girls and their stupid problems

Lately, I've been really depressed. I don't want to admit it because then I will be seen as weak for having these thoughts. But ever since I entered college I've been opened up to so many food choices and it drove my eating habits insane. I entered college hearing about freshman 15, I scoffed at it because there was no way in hell I would let myself gain 15 pounds within 3/4 of a year. I've always been the one to work out and make healthy choices. Everything seemed to be in place until the end of October when my eating habits started to change. Suddenly, there were late night snacking thanks to the convenient site of Campusfoods, vending machines in every lobby, Wings, and living right next to Kimmel Dining hall didn't help either. And the worst part was I didn't even know I gained all this weight because I wore sweats all the time.

Now I'm over 20lbs heavier and I don't fit into many of my pants. Since I came back from college I've been living in sweatshorts and big hoodies. I'm too ashamed to let others see how bad it's gotten. I mean everyone sees the drastic changes, but they won't admit it. And it doesn't help when they say, "Oh I don't notice the difference" or "You look fine", because I don't feel fine at all. But I really do appreciate all those comments, it's just at this stage I'm in right now, I can't let those words get to me because if I do think that i look just fine then I'll just get heavier. Because I'm just going to think, "Oh yeah I look fine, another cookie won't hurt because you know I look just fine." It's not going to help that way...

I'm depressed for the reason because I let my body get to this stage. I didn't take care of myself. And now I have high cholesterol and other problems... And it's been so hard on me because I love running, but now I have terrible knee problems so I can't even run as fast or as far as I used to. I feel like losing weight is impossible for me. And it's even more shameful for me to say that I've been making up stupid excuses not to see my friends because I don't want them to see how heavy I've gotten. I mean I know I'm not fat... but I'm not exactly how I used to be either. It's hard on me because I've always been skinny. And ever since I was a child I had the ability to eat everything and anything and not even gain an ounce of fat. But now my body's changing and it's adapting to the changes in my hormone level so my eating habits should alter as well. I don't know if my friends can feel what I'm feeling right now. I look at my brother and my father and they're so skinny, I always thought I had my father's genes to have a slim physique. But I guess I take after my mother? hahahahahaha...

Sigh... what I really need is some help from my friends. But lately no one wants to go running with me or even hit the gym. Last year I was able to lose ~15 lbs because my ex-bf ran with me everyday. He encouraged me to run not faster, but just longer than the day before. And seeing him run 2 marathons inspired me to run too. But now that he's out of the picture I feel like I have no one to look up to. I hate doing this alone. And I hate seeing the grotesque image in the mirror everyday I wake up.

I know I shouldn't feel like this but it's all I ever think about at night... Which is why I'm still up at 4:00am in the morning. Still pondering with frustration.

"Eat to live. Don't live to eat."

i close,
this has been 6% your DV of junk.